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American Pie

Finch: God bless the Internet.

[On being sensitive]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

Michelle: And this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Jim: [Choking on his beer] Excuse me?
Michelle: What, you don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed! So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

Stifler: She called me and asked for my number.

Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me, beautiful!

Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.

Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

Stifler: What did you cocks do to him?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?
Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

Victoria 'Vicky': I want it to be the right time, the right place...
Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX.

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin: You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.
Jim: Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.
Jim: Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.
Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
[hesitates]
Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud.
[pause]
Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

[On being sensitive]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!
Kevin: Guys...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!

Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.
Finch: Single malt?
Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

Michelle: And this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Jim: [Choking on his beer.] Excuse me?
Michelle: What, you don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed! So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!
Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

Steve Stifler: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right?

Chuck Sherman: I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time, to change the future for one lucky lady.

[talking about masturbation]
Jim's Dad: It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun, it can be fun. But it's not a game
Jim: right
Jim's Dad: It's not a game
Jim: No
Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball

[discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her]
Vicky: Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really care about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talk about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?
Jessica: He got a dick, he's a guy
Vicky: Right

[While looking at a picture of Stifler's mom]
Milf guy 1: Dude that chick's a MILF!
Milf guy 2: What to hell is that?
Milf guy 1: M-I-L-F Mom I'd like to fuck!
Milf guy 2: Yeah dude! Yeah!

[On Condoms]
Jim's Dad: Well, they're safer than a tube sock...

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: My friends call me 'Nova' as in Casanova.

Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually?
Vicky: I've never tried it.
Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?

Coach Marshall: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*!

Kevin: [After Stifler drinks the tainted beer] Hey Stifler, how's the pale ale?
Stifler: Fuck you!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful.
College chick: What did you just say?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful!
[girl laughs]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova as in Casonova.
College chick: That's pathetic!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me.

[Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet.]
Finch: Did not just take out that chair.
Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?
Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.
Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?
Stifler: What?! Whatever.

[Watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet]
Kevin: He's pullin' out the porn.
Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.




	Home Jokes Film Quotes Boss Alert News Forum Links		Back to - Film Quotes - A American Pie Finch: God bless the Internet. [On being sensitive] Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit. Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work. Michelle: And this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy. Jim: [Choking on his beer] Excuse me? Michelle: What, you don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed! So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm getting kinda antsy. Stifler: She called me and asked for my number. Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking use them! Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me, beautiful! Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed. Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us. Stifler: What did you cocks do to him? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action? Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good! Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached! Victoria 'Vicky': I want it to be the right time, the right place... Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX. Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like? Kevin: You want to take this one? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie. Jim: Yeah? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah. Jim: Apple pie, huh? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh. Jim: McDonald's or homemade? Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day. [On being sensitive] Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit. Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work. Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool! Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny. Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it! Kevin: Guys... Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one! Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious! Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch. Finch: Single malt? Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it. Michelle: And this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy. Jim: [Choking on his beer.] Excuse me? Michelle: What, you don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed! So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm getting kinda antsy. Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch! Jim: Michelle! Michelle. Steve Stifler: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right? Chuck Sherman: I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time, to change the future for one lucky lady. [talking about masturbation] Jim's Dad: It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun, it can be fun. But it's not a game Jim: right Jim's Dad: It's not a game Jim: No Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball [discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her] Vicky: Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really care about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talk about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right? Jessica: He got a dick, he's a guy Vicky: Right [While looking at a picture of Stifler's mom] Milf guy 1: Dude that chick's a MILF! Milf guy 2: What to hell is that? Milf guy 1: M-I-L-F Mom I'd like to fuck! Milf guy 2: Yeah dude! Yeah! [On Condoms] Jim's Dad: Well, they're safer than a tube sock... Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: My friends call me 'Nova' as in Casanova. Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually? Vicky: I've never tried it. Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse? Coach Marshall: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you score! Kevin: [After Stifler drinks the tainted beer] Hey Stifler, how's the pale ale? Stifler: Fuck you! Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful. College chick: What did you just say? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful! [girl laughs] Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova as in Casonova. College chick: That's pathetic! Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me. [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet.] Finch: Did not just take out that chair. Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair. Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here? Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great. Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo. Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time? Stifler: What?! Whatever. [Watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet] Kevin: He's pullin' out the porn. Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.