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Armageddon

Chick: I've never told anyone this before, but I'm afraid of flying. So it would be very embarrassing to die now.
Rockhound: You think that's bad? I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds.
Chick: Boy, that's bad.

Chick: Man, what are you doing with a gun in space?

Chick: Right before A.J.'s dad died he told you to take care of his son. I don't think shooting him is taking care of him.
Harry Stamper: I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. He can still work with one leg! Remember that one guy who worked all those years with one arm?
Chick: Yep, but he wasn't very good.

F.B.I. Agent: Sir, we have a national security matter.
Rockhound: Good for you.

Lev Andropov: Don't touch my uncle! He is the genius of my family. He used to make the tip of the bomb, you know? That finds New York or Washington?

Ronald Quincy: I know the presidents' chief advisor, we were at MIT together. And, at this point in time, you really don't want to take advice from a man who got a C minus in astrophysics. The presidents' advisors are wrong. I am right.

Rockhound: Why do I do this? Three reasons: the pay is good, the scenery changes, and they let me use explosives.

A.J.: Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel?
Lev Andropov: No, I never saw Star Wars.

Colonel William Sharp: Do you swear on your daughter's life, on my family's life, that you can hit that mark?

Grace Stamper: A.J. is my choice!
Harry Stamper: Choice? He's the only one here in your age bracket. That's not a choice, it's a lack of option.

Grace Stamper: I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you.

President: We didn't see this thing coming?
Dan: Well, our object collision budget allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and begging your pardon, but that's a big-ass sky.

Rockhound: This is so much fun, it's freaky!

Rockhound: Well it's about time, I haven't thrown up in about an hour.

Harry Stamper: I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. He can still work with one leg!

A.J.: Five wonderful years.
Harry Stamper: And in those five years you have never apologized to me this quickly, now what going on here?

Max: God, it sucks up here.

General Kimsey: The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.

Grace Stamper: A.J. is my choice!
Harry Stamper: Choice? He's the only one here your age. That's not a choice, it's a lack of option.

Oscar: I'm, like, 98% excited, and maybe 2% scared. Or maybe it's backwards. Maybe I'm 98% scared, and, like, 2% excited. But that's what makes it so great...-I'm so confused!

Harry Stamper: Come on! You're NASA for Christ's sake! You're the ones who come up with this shit! Why I bet you have a bunch of guys sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up, and somebody backing them up. What's your contingency plan?
Truman: Our contingency plan?
Harry Stamper: Yeah, your back up plan. You've gotta have a back up plan.
Truman: No, we don't have a back up plan.

Harry Stamper: The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anyone wanna say no?
Chick: 20 years, I've never let you down before. I'm there.

Harry Stamper: Houson, you have a problem. You see, I promised my little girl that I was coming home. Now I don't know WHAT you people are doing down there, but we've got a hole to dig up here!

Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person who finds her gets to name her right?
Dan: Yes, yes that's right, that's right.
Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape.

Rockhound: I hate it when I know everything!

Rockhound: Look, we've got front row tickets to the end of the earth!

A.J.: You know what I was thinking?
Grace Stamper: What?
A.J.: I really don't think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker.
Grace Stamper: Why?
A.J.: Well cause it's sweet, which to me suggests cookie, I mean well putting cheese on something is sort of a defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. I don't know why I thought of that, i just-
Grace Stamper: Baby, you have such sweet pillow talk.

A.J.: Oh man. Well, we all gotta die, right? I'm the guy who gets to do it saving the world.

Lev Andropov: Excuse me, but I think I know how to fix this.
Watts: Move it! You don't know the components!
Lev Andropov: [annoyed] Components. American components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!!!

Colonel William Sharp: Miss Stamper? Colonel Willie Sharp, United States Airforce, ma'am. Requesting the permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met.

Colonel William Sharp: United States astronauts train for years. You have twelve days.

Colonel William Sharp: Talk about the wrong stuff.

A.J.: You know it's all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg.

Chick: Harry, the clock on that nine-foot nuclear weapon is ticking.

Grace Stamper: First time I got my period, Rock had to take me to Tai-Pei for Tampax. Then he had to show me how to use them.
[Off Harry's stern look]
Rockhound: I told her how to use them. I didn't show her, Harry.

Dan: Are the physically able to survive the trip?
Dr. Banks: Personally, I don't see how they survived the tests.

Rockhound: You want to compare brainpans. I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princton for two and a half years. Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes and the let me use explosives.

Lev Andropov: I am the only certified astronaut here, and I'm gonna save your American asses!

Harry Stamper: Just a little help, God, that's all I'm asking.
Max: I think we're close enough He might have heard ya.

Oscar: This is deep blue hero stuff.

Lev Andropov: I'm the only astronaut on this mission and I'm going to save your American asses.

President: I address you tonight not as the President of the United States, not as a leader of a country, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. The Bible calls this day 'armageddon' - the end of all things. And yet, for the first time in the history of the planet, a species has the technology to prevent its own extinction. All of you praying with us tonight need to know that everything that can be done to prevent this disaster is being called into service. The human thirst for excellence, knowledge; every step up the ladder of science; every adventurous reach into space; all of our combined technologies and imaginations; even the wars that we've fought have provided us the tools to wage this terrible battle. Through all of the chaos that is our history; through all of the wrong and the discord; through all of the pain and he suffering; through all of our times, there is one thing that has nourished our souls, and elevated our species above its origins, and that is our courage. The dreams of an entire planet are focused tonight on those fourteen brave souls traveling into the heavens. And may we, citizens the world over, see these events through. God speed, and good luck to you.

[Rockhound is riding the bomb a la Dr. Strangelove.]
Colonel William Sharp: Get off... the nuclear... warhead.

Rockhound: God, I hate knowing everything.

Rockhound: You know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?

Max: Something's wrong.
Rockhound: Yeah man, it's ALL wrong. We shouldn't even be up here.

Rockhound: Wow. Got a great view of the Earth from here. Too bad we'll never set foot on her again.

Rockhound: I don't want to be the materialistic weasel here, but do you think we'll get hazard pay for this?

Grace Stamper: You still haven't told them yet. That's my father up there!

[reviewing the NASA test results for Harry's crew]
Dr. Banks: One toxicology screen showed traces of ketamin. That is a very powerful sedative.
Harry Stamper: Sedatives are often used, Doctor.
Dr. Banks: Well this one's used on horses!

A.J.: If anybody's anybody, I'm Hans and you're Chewbacca.
Oscar: Chewy? Have you ever seen Star Wars?

Chick: I just came here to drill.
Helga the Nurse: Oh! so did I.

Harry Stamper: Gee, one more thing. None of them want to pay taxes again. Ever.

A.J.: This is great. We just happen to run into the Grand Canyon on the asteroid.
Lev Andropov: I told you, you took the wrong way, the wrong road.
A.J.: What? What road? Do you see any roads here?

Lev Andropov: You think this is looking good or what? You know what? I do not have much pleasure being near you.
A.J.: Lev, why don't you do humanity a service and shut the hell up?

Max: Who's that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I'm going to stab you in the heart with it. You ever see Pulp Fiction?

Harry Stamper: AJ, I have only five words for you: Damn glad to see you boy!
A.J.: That's six words.

Lev Andropov: I'm stepping outside.
A.J.: You're, you're going outside?
Lev Andropov: I am the ONLY certified astronaut here. I am saving your American a**!

Vinnie the loanshark: That's 100 grand I sure you hope you know what your doing. You don't look so good. Your not gonna die on me are ya?
Rockhound: Let's just say no more than you Vinnie.

Oscar: This isn't even outer space yet, this is just the beginning of space.

Karl: Hey honey? Get my phone book, get those names of those guys from NASA.
Dottie: Excuse me?! Am I wearing a sign that says "Karl's slave" anywhere?
Karl: Go get my goddamn phone book! Get the book! Get the book! Get the book!

[Rockhound is leafing through the Rorshach inkblots]
Rockhound: Woman with large breasts... woman with small breasts...
[to the male tester]
Rockhound: hey, this one looks kinda like you... with breasts.

Rockhound: "Wow. This is a god dam Greek tragedy."

Rockhound: [After stepping onto the asteroid] This is like Dr. Suess's worst nightmare!

Rockhound: What's wrong?
Colonel William Sharp: We've got a busted ship.
Rockhound: A BUSTED SHIP?! And I'm strapped in this chair? I had a good spot picked out there!

Harry Stamper: Quincy! Somebody tell me what this is. Plastic ice cream scoop? What'd that cost? About $400.

[Camera shoots past the moon to slowly zoom in on the Earth]
Narrator: This is the Earth, at a time when the dinosaurs ruled a lush and fertile planet.
[From behind the camera, a giant asteroid appears, speeding towards the Earth ahead of it.]
Narrator: A piece of rock just 6 miles wide changed all that.
[Blazing through the atmosphere, the asteroid impacts with a spectacular display of fire and destruction.]
Narrator: It hit with the force of 10,000 nuclear weapons. A trillion tons of rock and dust were thrown into the atmosphere, creating a cloud the sun was powerless to penetrate for a thousand years. It happened before. It will happen again. It's just a question of when.

[Military guys are talking to Harry.]
Rockhound: Harry! I swear to God man, she never told me her age.
Harry Stamper: No, it's okay. It's not about you.
Rockhound: Oh. Never mind.

Bear: So, did NASA find something growing on Uranus?

Oscar: Ok, Mr. Truman, let's say that we actually do land on this. What's it gonna be like up there?
Truman: 200 degrees in the sunlight, minus 200 in the shade, canyons of razor-sharp rock, unpredictable gravitational conditions, unexpected eruptions, things like that.
Oscar: Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable.

Grace Stamper: Baby, do you think its possible that there's someone doing this very same thing at this very same time?
A.J.: I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?

Truman: This is one order you shouldn't follow and you fucking know it.

Rockhound: Harry, this is illegal man
Harry Stamper: I'm temporarily insane, Rock, it's all right.

Rockhound: Okay, cyclops lady is really freaking me out.

Lev Andropov: This is how we fix things on Russian space station!
[hits panel with tool]

Oscar: The thing that really gets me is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band.
Dr. Banks: Who's Jethro Tull?




	Home Jokes Film Quotes Boss Alert News Forum Links		Back to - Film Quotes - A Armageddon Chick: I've never told anyone this before, but I'm afraid of flying. So it would be very embarrassing to die now. Rockhound: You think that's bad? I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds. Chick: Boy, that's bad. Chick: Man, what are you doing with a gun in space? Chick: Right before A.J.'s dad died he told you to take care of his son. I don't think shooting him is taking care of him. Harry Stamper: I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. He can still work with one leg! Remember that one guy who worked all those years with one arm? Chick: Yep, but he wasn't very good. F.B.I. Agent: Sir, we have a national security matter. Rockhound: Good for you. Lev Andropov: Don't touch my uncle! He is the genius of my family. He used to make the tip of the bomb, you know? That finds New York or Washington? Ronald Quincy: I know the presidents' chief advisor, we were at MIT together. And, at this point in time, you really don't want to take advice from a man who got a C minus in astrophysics. The presidents' advisors are wrong. I am right. Rockhound: Why do I do this? Three reasons: the pay is good, the scenery changes, and they let me use explosives. A.J.: Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel? Lev Andropov: No, I never saw Star Wars. Colonel William Sharp: Do you swear on your daughter's life, on my family's life, that you can hit that mark? Grace Stamper: A.J. is my choice! Harry Stamper: Choice? He's the only one here in your age bracket. That's not a choice, it's a lack of option. Grace Stamper: I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you. President: We didn't see this thing coming? Dan: Well, our object collision budget allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and begging your pardon, but that's a big-ass sky. Rockhound: This is so much fun, it's freaky! Rockhound: Well it's about time, I haven't thrown up in about an hour. Harry Stamper: I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. He can still work with one leg! A.J.: Five wonderful years. Harry Stamper: And in those five years you have never apologized to me this quickly, now what going on here? Max: God, it sucks up here. General Kimsey: The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun. Grace Stamper: A.J. is my choice! Harry Stamper: Choice? He's the only one here your age. That's not a choice, it's a lack of option. Oscar: I'm, like, 98% excited, and maybe 2% scared. Or maybe it's backwards. Maybe I'm 98% scared, and, like, 2% excited. But that's what makes it so great...-I'm so confused! Harry Stamper: Come on! You're NASA for Christ's sake! You're the ones who come up with this shit! Why I bet you have a bunch of guys sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up, and somebody backing them up. What's your contingency plan? Truman: Our contingency plan? Harry Stamper: Yeah, your back up plan. You've gotta have a back up plan. Truman: No, we don't have a back up plan. Harry Stamper: The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anyone wanna say no? Chick: 20 years, I've never let you down before. I'm there. Harry Stamper: Houson, you have a problem. You see, I promised my little girl that I was coming home. Now I don't know WHAT you people are doing down there, but we've got a hole to dig up here! Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person who finds her gets to name her right? Dan: Yes, yes that's right, that's right. Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape. Rockhound: I hate it when I know everything! Rockhound: Look, we've got front row tickets to the end of the earth! A.J.: You know what I was thinking? Grace Stamper: What? A.J.: I really don't think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker. Grace Stamper: Why? A.J.: Well cause it's sweet, which to me suggests cookie, I mean well putting cheese on something is sort of a defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. I don't know why I thought of that, i just- Grace Stamper: Baby, you have such sweet pillow talk. A.J.: Oh man. Well, we all gotta die, right? I'm the guy who gets to do it saving the world. Lev Andropov: Excuse me, but I think I know how to fix this. Watts: Move it! You don't know the components! Lev Andropov: [annoyed] Components. American components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!!! Colonel William Sharp: Miss Stamper? Colonel Willie Sharp, United States Airforce, ma'am. Requesting the permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met. Colonel William Sharp: United States astronauts train for years. You have twelve days. Colonel William Sharp: Talk about the wrong stuff. A.J.: You know it's all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg. Chick: Harry, the clock on that nine-foot nuclear weapon is ticking. Grace Stamper: First time I got my period, Rock had to take me to Tai-Pei for Tampax. Then he had to show me how to use them. [Off Harry's stern look] Rockhound: I told her how to use them. I didn't show her, Harry. Dan: Are the physically able to survive the trip? Dr. Banks: Personally, I don't see how they survived the tests. Rockhound: You want to compare brainpans. I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princton for two and a half years. Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes and the let me use explosives. Lev Andropov: I am the only certified astronaut here, and I'm gonna save your American asses! Harry Stamper: Just a little help, God, that's all I'm asking. Max: I think we're close enough He might have heard ya. Oscar: This is deep blue hero stuff. Lev Andropov: I'm the only astronaut on this mission and I'm going to save your American asses. President: I address you tonight not as the President of the United States, not as a leader of a country, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. The Bible calls this day 'armageddon' - the end of all things. And yet, for the first time in the history of the planet, a species has the technology to prevent its own extinction. All of you praying with us tonight need to know that everything that can be done to prevent this disaster is being called into service. The human thirst for excellence, knowledge; every step up the ladder of science; every adventurous reach into space; all of our combined technologies and imaginations; even the wars that we've fought have provided us the tools to wage this terrible battle. Through all of the chaos that is our history; through all of the wrong and the discord; through all of the pain and he suffering; through all of our times, there is one thing that has nourished our souls, and elevated our species above its origins, and that is our courage. The dreams of an entire planet are focused tonight on those fourteen brave souls traveling into the heavens. And may we, citizens the world over, see these events through. God speed, and good luck to you. [Rockhound is riding the bomb a la Dr. Strangelove.] Colonel William Sharp: Get off... the nuclear... warhead. Rockhound: God, I hate knowing everything. Rockhound: You know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it? Max: Something's wrong. Rockhound: Yeah man, it's ALL wrong. We shouldn't even be up here. Rockhound: Wow. Got a great view of the Earth from here. Too bad we'll never set foot on her again. Rockhound: I don't want to be the materialistic weasel here, but do you think we'll get hazard pay for this? Grace Stamper: You still haven't told them yet. That's my father up there! [reviewing the NASA test results for Harry's crew] Dr. Banks: One toxicology screen showed traces of ketamin. That is a very powerful sedative. Harry Stamper: Sedatives are often used, Doctor. Dr. Banks: Well this one's used on horses! A.J.: If anybody's anybody, I'm Hans and you're Chewbacca. Oscar: Chewy? Have you ever seen Star Wars? Chick: I just came here to drill. Helga the Nurse: Oh! so did I. Harry Stamper: Gee, one more thing. None of them want to pay taxes again. Ever. A.J.: This is great. We just happen to run into the Grand Canyon on the asteroid. Lev Andropov: I told you, you took the wrong way, the wrong road. A.J.: What? What road? Do you see any roads here? Lev Andropov: You think this is looking good or what? You know what? I do not have much pleasure being near you. A.J.: Lev, why don't you do humanity a service and shut the hell up? Max: Who's that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I'm going to stab you in the heart with it. You ever see Pulp Fiction? Harry Stamper: AJ, I have only five words for you: Damn glad to see you boy! A.J.: That's six words. Lev Andropov: I'm stepping outside. A.J.: You're, you're going outside? Lev Andropov: I am the ONLY certified astronaut here. I am saving your American a**! Vinnie the loanshark: That's 100 grand I sure you hope you know what your doing. You don't look so good. Your not gonna die on me are ya? Rockhound: Let's just say no more than you Vinnie. Oscar: This isn't even outer space yet, this is just the beginning of space. Karl: Hey honey? Get my phone book, get those names of those guys from NASA. Dottie: Excuse me?! Am I wearing a sign that says "Karl's slave" anywhere? Karl: Go get my goddamn phone book! Get the book! Get the book! Get the book! [Rockhound is leafing through the Rorshach inkblots] Rockhound: Woman with large breasts... woman with small breasts... [to the male tester] Rockhound: hey, this one looks kinda like you... with breasts. Rockhound: "Wow. This is a god dam Greek tragedy." Rockhound: [After stepping onto the asteroid] This is like Dr. Suess's worst nightmare! Rockhound: What's wrong? Colonel William Sharp: We've got a busted ship. Rockhound: A BUSTED SHIP?! And I'm strapped in this chair? I had a good spot picked out there! Harry Stamper: Quincy! Somebody tell me what this is. Plastic ice cream scoop? What'd that cost? About $400. [Camera shoots past the moon to slowly zoom in on the Earth] Narrator: This is the Earth, at a time when the dinosaurs ruled a lush and fertile planet. [From behind the camera, a giant asteroid appears, speeding towards the Earth ahead of it.] Narrator: A piece of rock just 6 miles wide changed all that. [Blazing through the atmosphere, the asteroid impacts with a spectacular display of fire and destruction.] Narrator: It hit with the force of 10,000 nuclear weapons. A trillion tons of rock and dust were thrown into the atmosphere, creating a cloud the sun was powerless to penetrate for a thousand years. It happened before. It will happen again. It's just a question of when. [Military guys are talking to Harry.] Rockhound: Harry! I swear to God man, she never told me her age. Harry Stamper: No, it's okay. It's not about you. Rockhound: Oh. Never mind. Bear: So, did NASA find something growing on Uranus? Oscar: Ok, Mr. Truman, let's say that we actually do land on this. What's it gonna be like up there? Truman: 200 degrees in the sunlight, minus 200 in the shade, canyons of razor-sharp rock, unpredictable gravitational conditions, unexpected eruptions, things like that. Oscar: Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable. Grace Stamper: Baby, do you think its possible that there's someone doing this very same thing at this very same time? A.J.: I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save? Truman: This is one order you shouldn't follow and you fucking know it. Rockhound: Harry, this is illegal man Harry Stamper: I'm temporarily insane, Rock, it's all right. Rockhound: Okay, cyclops lady is really freaking me out. Lev Andropov: This is how we fix things on Russian space station! [hits panel with tool] Oscar: The thing that really gets me is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band. Dr. Banks: Who's Jethro Tull?