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Dogma

Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet.
Jay: Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something else.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[Silent Bob starts to look freaked out.]
Jay: [to Bob] Dude, not ALL the time!
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.

Metatron: Wax on, wax off.

Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
Bethany: New Jersey.
Metatron: Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Agreed?
Bethany: That doesn't sound like a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: "Damn, this is good tequila"?
Bethany: The first part.
Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.

Jay: What the shit is that?

Rufus: People only want to hear the good shit...life eternal, a place in God's heaven...but as soon as you hear that you're gettin' all this good shit from a black Jesus, you freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior.

Nun: You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or...or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do...what do they do? They...They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions...by inhibiting our decisions, out of...out of fear of some...some intangible parent figure who...who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says...and says, "Do it--Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you!"

Rufus: Are you saying you believe?
Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called Hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

Jay: Get offa me! I wanna see what's up! What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head?! I want some-
[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]

Loki: I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What'd you say?
Loki: I said I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you do it.
Loki: You sound like the morning star.
Bartleby: YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
Loki: YOU SOUND LIKE LUCIFER MAN! YOU'VE FUCKING LOST IT!!! You're not talking about fuckin' war on God. I say, fuck that. I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the thrown! I'm going back to Wisconsin.
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki! And not you, not even the Almighty HIMSELF is going to make that otherwise.

[Silent Bob hits him in the chest with a blessed golf-club]
Azrael: But I'm a fucking demon!

Bethany: What's he like? God?
Metatron: Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.

Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. Although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right away: one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks -- and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not -- will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same.

Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, in Illinois, where all the honies are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies--except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh--but best of all, there was no one dealin', man; then, it hits me: we could live like phat rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed, and we caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer in Illinois! Movies are fuckin' bullshit.

Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me -- a muse, for God's sake! I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list.
Bethany: What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.
Serendipity: That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.

Loki: I love fucking with the clergy.

[After throwing Bartleby and Loki off a train; a la Indiana Jones]
Silent Bob: No ticket!

Metatron: You people! If it hasn't been made into a movie, it's not worth knowing about, is that it?

Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out.

Loki: The last two days on earth, if I had a dick I'd go get laid, bu we can do that next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: We'll kill people.
[Lady next to Loki spits out her coffee]
Loki: [to lady] Oh not you!

Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.

Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, I swear to God.

Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]
Bethany: I want to go with you.
Jay: What, steady? ...OK, but you pay the rent and Silent Bob has to live with us.

[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]
Bethany: What gear are you in?
Jay: "Gear"?

Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up.

[About Christ.]
Rufus: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.

Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.

Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes.

Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me ten dollars from a bet over which was going to be the bigger movie, E.T. or Krush Groove.
Loki: Hey, fuck you man, because time's going to tell on that one.

Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by a huge fucking rock.

Jay: So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle.

Bethany: May I ask what brought you here?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy, too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick "Sixteen Candles." Not bad. There's tits in it, but no bush, but Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing 'cause he's, like, all in love with this John Hughes guy. He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club," where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science," where this chick wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And then, "Pretty in Pink," which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep.

Metatron: You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar!

Gun Salesman: We call this next item "The Fecalator." One look at it, and the target shits his or her pants.

Bethany: You knew Jesus?
Rufus: Knew him? Nigga owes me twelve bucks.

Loki: Never let it be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.
Bartleby: You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus.
Loki: Outstanding work!

[Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club.]
Bethany: What are you doing?
Jay: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay!
Bethany: What?
Rufus: Long story, forget it.

Metatron: Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the faces you people make mid-coitus.

Serendipity: So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from volunteering for the military in time of service. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.

[Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned out.]
Jay: Like I ever drove before...

Rufus: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black.

Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big.
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father--not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all untrue. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, something I've never told anyone before...If I had the power, I would have.

Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one.

Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.

Bethany: I think that God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.

[Angels have no genitalia.]
Metatron: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves.

Metatron: So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. In the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So a very inebriated Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.

Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.

Bethany: I don't know what to say... or think... except...
Jay: That you want to offer us sex as a reward.

Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.
Jay: She's a slut! Bunnnng!

Loki: I can spot a commandment-breaker a mile away.

Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me.

[yelling at Bethany]
Jay: Guys like us don't just fall out of the sky!
[A naked Rufus falls from the sky]
Jay: Beautiful naked women don't just fall out of the sky!

Rufus: If you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.

Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

Rufus: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no! And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention that fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.

Loki: Do you know what makes a human being decent?
Bartleby: Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment, lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God.

Serendipity: I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Bethany: Nineteen?
Serendipity: The one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.

Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.

Bartleby: Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.

[On Christ]
Rufus: He likes to hear people talk. Says it sounds like music to Him. Christ loved to sit around the fire and listen to me and the other guys. Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit, He always had a smile on His face.

Bethany: You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

[On Christ]
Rufus: The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it.

Bartleby: The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you...once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN?! IT'S NOT RIGHT, IT'S NOT FAIR! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think its time we went home? and to do that, i think we have to dispatch of our would-be dispatchers.

Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Mary, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.

Metatron: You are Bethany Sloane. Nobody can take that away from you, not even God.

Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.

Rufus: So what do we do now?
Metatron: I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

Metatron: Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point.

Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Oh, if only we had their numbers.

Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
Cardinal Glick: Cute.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.

Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake!
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!
Rufus: What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made.

Serendipity: How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.

[Bartleby and Loki slaughter parishioners outside a church]
Loki: You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only they'd let us jerk off.

Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gamorreh, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires!
Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: You know, fuck you, man, any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting practice one can engage in. Next to soccer.

Azrael: Now if I remember my protocol correctly, the powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion--which leaves us no other recourse than to eliminate her before she enters the fray. I need you three to shuffle her loose the mortal coil, so that we may obtain our final glory. Are we all on the same page?

[Silent Bob kills Azrael with Cardinal Glick's golf club]
Bethany: Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a better game.

Bethany: Stall Bartleby from going into that church!
Jay: How the hell am I supposed to do that?!
Bethany: Think of something!
Jay: I already did, but it takes two of us!

[After meeting God]
Jay: You want to hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me.

Azrael: Quit killing people, that's high profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up!

Azrael: No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.

Bethany: What are you?
Metatron: I'm pissed off is what I am

Rufus: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black!
Bethany: Well then why did he get written about and you didn't?
Rufus: Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from.
Jay: I don't buy it.

Jay: Do you do Anal?... Is It true that chicks fart when you blast 'em in the ass?

Jay: [to the Stygian triplets] Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck fucks!

[As he and Silent Bob prepare to defend Bethany from the Stygian triplets]
Jay: Snoops to the mother-fuckin' dudes!

Jay: Snootchie Bootchies

Jay: Dude, I know they were little kids, but we kicked their asses.

Jay: Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thang!

Rufus: [To Bethany] The man was right about you! And I am going to go home and tell him so.
[To Jay And Silent Bob]
Rufus: And if you clean up your language, I JUST might put in a good word for you too.
Silent Bob: Thanks.

[Bethany meets Serendipity]
Bethany: Let me guess. The 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: This girl's no woman.
[to Serendipity]
Rufus: No offense.
Bethany: Oh, so those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: [hugs her breasts] What, these? You should know better than anybody at this table that tits don't make the woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearin' motherfucker's got tits, that sure as hell doesn't make him a woman!

[To Loki]
Bartleby: Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you.

[Sleep talking]
Jay: I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.

Cardinal Glick: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse...even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal...both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies...He came to help us out. He was a booster! And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW!" campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you...The Buddy Christ! Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it...pop? Buddy Christ...

Loki: All lines are currently down.

[about the protesters outside the Abortion Clinic]
Liz: You're Catholic, can't you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more. Your Jewish, at least you have an excuse.

[to Mrs. Reynolds]
Loki: You're a pure soul...but you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
[raises his gun to Mrs. Reynold's head]
Bartleby: Loki!

Nun: So you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland?"

Nun: I never thought of it that way...what am I doing with my life...what am I...?
Loki: I know, I know. You should take all this money that you've been collecting for your parish and go out and buy yourself a nice dress.

Jay: Snootch to the mother-fuckin' nootch!

Rufus: Why? 'Cause I'm a black man!

Loki: Whose house? ...RUN'S HOUSE!

Rufus: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are then don't be there!

Jay: No wonder he saw Jesus! Homey's rockin' the ganj!

Jay: Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if i hadn't represented.