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Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Jay: Yo lunchbox, hurry it up!

Sissy: Stealing, boning, blowing shit up.

Jay: I am the master of the clit.

Jay: What the fuck are you bitches babbling about?

Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?!

Banky: That's what the Internet is for, slandering others anonymously.

Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, you know? They put 'em in a bunch of movies.
Jay: Who?
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mallfucker!

Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in Phantoms. Yo!

Willenholly: Alright, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans! That was them, wasn't it?

Newscaster: And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.

Brodie: This is the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Jay: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the Hizzouz!

Jay: Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-partner, Silent Bob.

Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch!

Jay: Hey! Get the fuck off her! That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey!

Holden: A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
[Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera]

Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay, You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all fucking next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay: Silent Bob, We're going to Hollywood!

Jay: And for one more record, he loves the cock!

Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.
Chrissy: I'm on it.
[pulls out knife]
Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded.

Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is none of my fucking concern.
Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you, on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis, for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position.
Jay: Yeah.

Tricia Jones: Why didn't he option that comic about your "relationship?"
Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy?" That would never work as a movie.

[On "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie"]
Alyssa Jones: Well, it was better than "Mallrats".

Jay: In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us!!!

Jay: Holy hell, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit! It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of super monkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? WHAT IF THEY'RE CREATING AN ARMY OF THEM? Holy shit! It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files....ROSWELL style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image! OH and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - DAMN YOUS! Goddamn yous all to hell!

[To Jason Biggs.]
Jay: You're the dude who fucked the pie!

[Sniffing out white people]
Chaka Luther King: Cra-cra-cracker?

[Cock-Knocker has gotten his hand chopped off]
Cock-Knocker: Oh no, not again.

Willenholly: I don't get out to the movies that much, but "Bluntman and Chronic" was blunt-tastic!

[regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie]
Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me!

Customer: Are you even supposed to be here today?
Dante Hicks: Dude, don't get me started.

Customer at Quick Stop: Hey, Dante, are you even supposed to be here today?
Dante Hicks: Don't even get me started.

Holden: It's a place used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography together.

[Reading a message off the Internet]
Holden: Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses.

Holden: Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl, fuck! When, Lord when? When's gonna be my time?

[Silent Bob attempts to get his point across with pantomime.]
Jay: Why don't you just say it?
Silent Bob: [grabbing Jay by the collar] The sign on the back of the car said "Critters Of Hollywood", you dumb fuck!
Jay: [mutters] Say it, don't spray it.

Chaka's Production Assistant: You the man.
Chaka Luther King: No, you the man, and that's the problem.

Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...
[aside]
Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g..

Justice: Hi, I'm Justice!
Jay: And I'm so fucking yours!

Jay: Dude, I think I just filled the cup.

Chaka: Another white boy in this movie? Damn!

Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time. Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy! And Tubby here is my black man servant! What!

Jason Biggs: See, it always comes back to the pie. No one ever says "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in "Boys and Girls".
James Van Der Beek: Come on, you stuck your dick in a pie.

Chaka: This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.

Chaka: Crazy crackers with guns. Its time I get my black ass out of here!

Jason Biggs: Don't you know who I am? Look at me! I fucked a pie!

Dante: I'm the bitch?
Randal: Well if we were gay that's how I'd see it.

Cock-Knocker: Don't fuck with a Jedi Master, son.

Jay: [singing] / Fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noich noich noich, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noich, noich noich / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #1: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?

Jason Biggs: Don't you recognize me? I'm the pie fucker!
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: In prison, you'll be the pie.

Teen #1: That movie was so gay.

Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".
Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.

Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban! It's the new millennium! Gay, straight.... it's all the same!

[The Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves.]
Jay: Yo! You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that.
[pulls out a bag of rolled up joints]
Jay: We call them Doobie Snax!

Brodie: Oh, my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.

[Fighting about Jason Biggs homophobia]
Jason Biggs: No. I, I love gay people.
James Van Der Beek: Yeah, I bet you do.

[Fighting about Jason Biggs blatant homophobia]
James Van Der Beek: Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay!
Jason Biggs: Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?

Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
Jay: They don't? How 'bout fine piece of ass?
Justice: How 'bout not.
Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?
Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
Jay: Boo boo kitty fuck?
Justice: That's...a start.

Holden: I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first.

Jay: Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.

Pumpkin Escobar: I don't know what the FUCK you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.

Jay: [after tossing Brent out of the van] Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker?

Jay: See you in hell, cocksmoker!

Jay's conscience: Oh no, don't tell me you're thinking of whipping your dick out.

Chaka: Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it! That's right! I was gonna call it "N.W.P." - Niggaz With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?

James Van Der Beek: Dude, you wouldn't last a day in the Creek.

Willenholly: Oh, sweet irony.

Jay: Hey baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

[After the "Bluntman & Chronic" premiere]
Banky Edwards: God, I'm so embarrassed.
Hooper: You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again.

Willenholly: It may not be my way, but damn if there dosn't go one happy family.

[Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob.]
Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son! That's the ape!
Willenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go!

Jay: Die, you super-monkey fuck!

[The C.L.I.T. is being discussed on TV]
Holden: Times like this... I miss dating a lesbian.

Willenholly: We don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way!

Randal Graves: If you where funnier than that, ABC would have never cancelled us.

Willenholly: We may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet.

Brodie: And on that note, we cue the music.

Jay: Just call me Darth Balls . . . Bong!

Baby Jay's Mother: Okay, don't you fucking move you little shit machine!

Scooby Do: Hi, Ray and Rilent Rob!

[Bluntman and Cock-Knocker are fighting with bongsabers]
Chaka: I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody.

Willenholly: Wow! That was just an incredibly daring escape!

Jay: Check out these stink nuggets!

Willenholly: Remember, folks... stimulation of the C.L.I.T is not recommended.

Jay: Hey, lawdog!

Jay: Get off my Kool-Aid motherfucka!

Willenholly: No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth.

[to Jay]
Brent: What's your damage, little boy?

Brent: Hey Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...

Sheriff: The hell with this. Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk.

Willenholly: Who let the cats out?

[to a customer at his comic shop, bending a comic's spine]
Brodie: This isn't a library! Hold it like you'd hold a woman!

Holden: Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal.

Jay: Eew, dude, she had 70's bush. Second rule of the road should be "Trim that shit".

Willenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass!
Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.

[contemplating whether to pull his dick out to Justice]
Devil Jay: [appears on his shoulder] What the fuck are you waiting for?! She went for the set up, just reach in and pull your dick out!
[a second devil pops in on Jay's other shoulder]
Devil Jay 2: All right, now here's where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out. But we BITCH slapped that motherfucker and sent him packin'! So it's smooth sailin' from here. Let 'er rip, boy.

[about Jay]
Banky Edwards: Your friend's a fucking clown shoe, you know that?
Silent Bob: You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.

Willenholly: And you, don't steal any more monkeys.
Jay: Fuck you!
Willenholly: Fair enough.

Stage Manager: Okay, you two stay here, react, and don't speak.
[Points to Silent Bob]
Stage Manager: Especially you.
Jay: [To Silent Bob] That was pretty funny.

[About Fat Albert]
Chaka: Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller and it was EXCELLENT!

[Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe]
Jay: Just like Winnie the Pooh!

Holden: Are we gonna have a problem.....Again?

Justice: Will you wait for me?
Jay: Will you fuck me when you get out?
[Justice kisses him]
Jay: Don't change the subject! Will you fuck me when you get out?

Chaka: Listen, Fucky...
Banky Edwards: Actually, it's Banky.
Chaka: No, it's Fucky.

[Walt and Steve-Dave leave the premiere of Bluntman & Chronic]
Steve-Dave Pulasti: Why can't Hollywood make a decent comic book movie?
Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell 'em Steve-Dave!
Steve-Dave Pulasti: Would you stop saying that?

Willenholly: And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.
Jay: Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm! See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.

Willenholly: The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
Reg Hartner: Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?

Daphne: I think they passed out.
Fred: Great. What do we do with them now?
Shaggy: Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.

Jay: Come on. If you let us go, Lunchbox here
[points to Silent Bob]
Jay: is gonna suck your dick.
Miramax Studio Guard: Contrary to what you may think, sir, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.
Jay: How about this- he sucks my dick while you watch and beat off to it.
Miramax Studio Guard: Okay. And, when you're done you say "Gee, that was a lovely tea party".




	Home Jokes Film Quotes Boss Alert News Forum Links		Back to - Film Quotes - J Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Jay: Yo lunchbox, hurry it up! Sissy: Stealing, boning, blowing shit up. Jay: I am the master of the clit. Jay: What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank. Jay: What buzz? Holden: The Internet buzz. Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?! Banky: That's what the Internet is for, slandering others anonymously. Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie? Holden: No, but it's Miramax. I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, you know? They put 'em in a bunch of movies. Jay: Who? Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting? Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it? Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms". Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mallfucker! Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in Phantoms. Yo! Willenholly: Alright, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans! That was them, wasn't it? Newscaster: And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with. Brodie: This is the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? Jay: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the Hizzouz! Jay: Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-partner, Silent Bob. Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch! Jay: Hey! Get the fuck off her! That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey! Holden: A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that? [Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera] Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay, You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all fucking next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob. Jay: Silent Bob, We're going to Hollywood! Jay: And for one more record, he loves the cock! Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'. Chrissy: I'm on it. [pulls out knife] Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something? Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot. Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded. Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is none of my fucking concern. Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you, on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis, for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position. Jay: Yeah. Tricia Jones: Why didn't he option that comic about your "relationship?" Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy?" That would never work as a movie. [On "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie"] Alyssa Jones: Well, it was better than "Mallrats". Jay: In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us!!! Jay: Holy hell, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit! It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of super monkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? WHAT IF THEY'RE CREATING AN ARMY OF THEM? Holy shit! It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files....ROSWELL style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image! OH and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - DAMN YOUS! Goddamn yous all to hell! [To Jason Biggs.] Jay: You're the dude who fucked the pie! [Sniffing out white people] Chaka Luther King: Cra-cra-cracker? [Cock-Knocker has gotten his hand chopped off] Cock-Knocker: Oh no, not again. Willenholly: I don't get out to the movies that much, but "Bluntman and Chronic" was blunt-tastic! [regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie] Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me! Customer: Are you even supposed to be here today? Dante Hicks: Dude, don't get me started. Customer at Quick Stop: Hey, Dante, are you even supposed to be here today? Dante Hicks: Don't even get me started. Holden: It's a place used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography together. [Reading a message off the Internet] Holden: Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses. Holden: Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl, fuck! When, Lord when? When's gonna be my time? [Silent Bob attempts to get his point across with pantomime.] Jay: Why don't you just say it? Silent Bob: [grabbing Jay by the collar] The sign on the back of the car said "Critters Of Hollywood", you dumb fuck! Jay: [mutters] Say it, don't spray it. Chaka's Production Assistant: You the man. Chaka Luther King: No, you the man, and that's the problem. Jay: Justice, that's a nice name... [aside] Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g.. Justice: Hi, I'm Justice! Jay: And I'm so fucking yours! Jay: Dude, I think I just filled the cup. Chaka: Another white boy in this movie? Damn! Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time. Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy! And Tubby here is my black man servant! What! Jason Biggs: See, it always comes back to the pie. No one ever says "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in "Boys and Girls". James Van Der Beek: Come on, you stuck your dick in a pie. Chaka: This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2. Chaka: Crazy crackers with guns. Its time I get my black ass out of here! Jason Biggs: Don't you know who I am? Look at me! I fucked a pie! Dante: I'm the bitch? Randal: Well if we were gay that's how I'd see it. Cock-Knocker: Don't fuck with a Jedi Master, son. Jay: [singing] / Fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noich noich noich, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noich, noich noich / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'... Teen #1: Uh, let me get a nickel bag. Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what? Jason Biggs: Don't you recognize me? I'm the pie fucker! Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: In prison, you'll be the pie. Teen #1: That movie was so gay. Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game". Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there. Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free? Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban! It's the new millennium! Gay, straight.... it's all the same! [The Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves.] Jay: Yo! You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that. [pulls out a bag of rolled up joints] Jay: We call them Doobie Snax! Brodie: Oh, my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for. [Fighting about Jason Biggs homophobia] Jason Biggs: No. I, I love gay people. James Van Der Beek: Yeah, I bet you do. [Fighting about Jason Biggs blatant homophobia] James Van Der Beek: Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay! Jason Biggs: Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole? Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit? Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay. Jay: They don't? How 'bout fine piece of ass? Justice: How 'bout not. Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you? Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice. Jay: Boo boo kitty fuck? Justice: That's...a start. Holden: I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. Jay: Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon. Pumpkin Escobar: I don't know what the FUCK you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart. Jay: [after tossing Brent out of the van] Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker? Jay: See you in hell, cocksmoker! Jay's conscience: Oh no, don't tell me you're thinking of whipping your dick out. Chaka: Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it! That's right! I was gonna call it "N.W.P." - Niggaz With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it? James Van Der Beek: Dude, you wouldn't last a day in the Creek. Willenholly: Oh, sweet irony. Jay: Hey baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat? [After the "Bluntman & Chronic" premiere] Banky Edwards: God, I'm so embarrassed. Hooper: You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again. Willenholly: It may not be my way, but damn if there dosn't go one happy family. [Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob.] Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son! That's the ape! Willenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go! Jay: Die, you super-monkey fuck! [The C.L.I.T. is being discussed on TV] Holden: Times like this... I miss dating a lesbian. Willenholly: We don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way! Randal Graves: If you where funnier than that, ABC would have never cancelled us. Willenholly: We may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet. Brodie: And on that note, we cue the music. Jay: Just call me Darth Balls . . . Bong! Baby Jay's Mother: Okay, don't you fucking move you little shit machine! Scooby Do: Hi, Ray and Rilent Rob! [Bluntman and Cock-Knocker are fighting with bongsabers] Chaka: I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody. Willenholly: Wow! That was just an incredibly daring escape! Jay: Check out these stink nuggets! Willenholly: Remember, folks... stimulation of the C.L.I.T is not recommended. Jay: Hey, lawdog! Jay: Get off my Kool-Aid motherfucka! Willenholly: No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth. [to Jay] Brent: What's your damage, little boy? Brent: Hey Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit... Sheriff: The hell with this. Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk. Willenholly: Who let the cats out? [to a customer at his comic shop, bending a comic's spine] Brodie: This isn't a library! Hold it like you'd hold a woman! Holden: Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal. Jay: Eew, dude, she had 70's bush. Second rule of the road should be "Trim that shit". Willenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass! Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up. [contemplating whether to pull his dick out to Justice] Devil Jay: [appears on his shoulder] What the fuck are you waiting for?! She went for the set up, just reach in and pull your dick out! [a second devil pops in on Jay's other shoulder] Devil Jay 2: All right, now here's where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out. But we BITCH slapped that motherfucker and sent him packin'! So it's smooth sailin' from here. Let 'er rip, boy. [about Jay] Banky Edwards: Your friend's a fucking clown shoe, you know that? Silent Bob: You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that. Willenholly: And you, don't steal any more monkeys. Jay: Fuck you! Willenholly: Fair enough. Stage Manager: Okay, you two stay here, react, and don't speak. [Points to Silent Bob] Stage Manager: Especially you. Jay: [To Silent Bob] That was pretty funny. [About Fat Albert] Chaka: Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller and it was EXCELLENT! [Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe] Jay: Just like Winnie the Pooh! Holden: Are we gonna have a problem.....Again? Justice: Will you wait for me? Jay: Will you fuck me when you get out? [Justice kisses him] Jay: Don't change the subject! Will you fuck me when you get out? Chaka: Listen, Fucky... Banky Edwards: Actually, it's Banky. Chaka: No, it's Fucky. [Walt and Steve-Dave leave the premiere of Bluntman & Chronic] Steve-Dave Pulasti: Why can't Hollywood make a decent comic book movie? Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell 'em Steve-Dave! Steve-Dave Pulasti: Would you stop saying that? Willenholly: And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising. Jay: Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm! See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock. Willenholly: The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A. Reg Hartner: Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement? Daphne: I think they passed out. Fred: Great. What do we do with them now? Shaggy: Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. Jay: Come on. If you let us go, Lunchbox here [points to Silent Bob] Jay: is gonna suck your dick. Miramax Studio Guard: Contrary to what you may think, sir, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual. Jay: How about this- he sucks my dick while you watch and beat off to it. Miramax Studio Guard: Okay. And, when you're done you say "Gee, that was a lovely tea party".