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Last Action Hero, The

[First line]
Dekker: This is one hell of a way to spend Christmas...

[Jack Slater is Hamlet]
Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!
Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair?
Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.
Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be.

[Dead assassin tumbles out of closet after Slater has fired into it without warning]
Danny: How'd you know someone was in there?
Jack Slater: There's always someone in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.

Vivaldi: What I'm saying is; Mr. Benedict can take you out as easy as cake.

[Danny Madigan is watching the bad guys on the screen]
Danny Madigan: You are gonna pay... Oooh, you gonna pay!

[Frank's last words]
Frank: I'm out of here...

[When danny comes home with Jack at 4 a.m.]
Danny's mom: Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there.
Danny: Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh.
Danny's mom: " Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?!" Will you get in here?!
Danny: Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well.
Jack Slater: Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger.

Jack Slater: Who the hell are you?
Danny Madigan: Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan. I'm a kid.

Danny Madigan: OK, I got one. What about this girl right here. She is way too attractive to be working in a video store.
Jack Slater: I agree with you. I think she should be working with us ... under cover of course...

Danny Madigan: You think you are funny, don't you?
Jack Slater: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger.
Danny Madigan: Schwarzenegger!
Jack Slater: Gesundheit.

Jack Slater: Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?

Jack Slater: I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
Danny Madigan: That's what you always say!
Jack Slater: I do?

Jack Slater: Kid! Who does the doctor treat?
Danny Madigan: Patients?
Jack Slater: Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing?
Danny Madigan: Wearing thin?
Jack Slater: Bingo!

[Danny Madigan was just kissed by Whitney Slater]
Danny Madigan: From now on it's all gonna be downhill...

Whitney Slater: FREEZE! Lose the guns or I redecorate in brain-matter grey, got it?

Danny Madigan: Chicken it is...

Danny Madigan: ...I though I was going to die.
Jack Slater: Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation ... and your first divorce.

Jack Slater: And Whitney! Why can't she be like every other teenager. For prom night she stayed home and field stripped an AK-47.

[Jack Slater realizes that a nerve gas bomb is hidden in Leo "the Fart"'s body]
Jack Slater: Leo "the Fart" is gonna pass gas one more time.

Vivaldi: Mr. Torelli. I hope it's alright with you I am here. I don't wanna be no fourth wheel...

Vivaldi: You've had Slater in front of the eight ball before, but you always screwed it up.

[The nervgasbomb goes of in the tar-pit]
Jack Slater: Silent but deadly!

Benedict: If God was a villain, he would have been me.

[Jack Slater throws Benedict against a wall, and both Benedict and his servant disappears through it]
Jack Slater: Usually when I do that it leaves a hole...

Nick: There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, whores, politicians...
Jack Slater: You already mentioned them.
Nick: I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else.

James Belushi: I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's... She is, you know... Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens.

Frank: We mostly talk muzzle velocities. Guns.

Benedict: Since you're about to die anyway, I might as well tell you the entire plot.

Jack Slater: Here's another explosion for your movie, kid.

Tony Vivaldi: What is this, Benedict?! First you're my friend; now you turn a... 360 on me!
Benedict: 180, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin -- *180*! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started!
Tony Vivaldi: What?
Benedict: Trust me!
[shoots him]

Jack Slater: You wanna be a farmer? Here´s a couple of acres!

Jack Slater: Look! Elephant!

Jack Slater: We're that close in catching him.
Danny: No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia.

Benedict: I wonder if you could help me?
Mechanic: Sure, what do ya need?.
Benedict: Well,.....
[benedict shoots him. He listens for a while, then shouts]
Benedict: I have just shot someone, I did it on purpose.
[listens some more, still nothing]
Benedict: I said, I have just killed a man and I wish to confess!
[listens some more, someone tells him to shut up. He looks pleased]

Jack Slater: I think the taxis are bulletproof.

Dekker: And you promised me you wouldn't tell!
Jack Slater: I didn't.
Dekker: Well, then how did he know?
Danny: "Jack Slater I".
Dekker: What's winning got to do with this?
Danny: No. The very first "Jack Slater".
Dekker: [to Jack] You told your dad?
Jack Slater: I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid!
Dekker: Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us.

[Playing "Chicken" riding a bike]
Danny: This is gonna work. It's a movie, I'm a good guy. This has got to work!
[Danny thinks again]
Danny: I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!!!

[After seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone]
Danny: No. It's not possible!
Jack Slater: What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!
Danny: But...that was you! YOU were in that movie!
[A girl close-by hears them]
Girl: [to Jack] You were in a movie?
Jack Slater: Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.

John Practice: How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Jack Slater: By practice. John Practice!

Jack Slater: Sir, are you a henchman?
Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey.

Benedict: Here, in this world, the bad guys can win!

Death: I don't do fiction. Not my field.

Danny Madigan: Where are the ordinary, everyday women?! They don't exist because this is a movie!
Jack Slater: No, this is California.

Jack Slater: Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the damn gun!

Jack Slater: Let's say this is a movie. How many times have you heard someone say, "stay in the car," and the guy doesn't? What happens?
Danny Madigan: He saves the day.
Jack Slater: Or, gets killed!




	Home Jokes Film Quotes Boss Alert News Forum Links		Back to - Film Quotes - L Last Action Hero, The [First line] Dekker: This is one hell of a way to spend Christmas... [Jack Slater is Hamlet] Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake! Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash. Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince. Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair? Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night. Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be. [Dead assassin tumbles out of closet after Slater has fired into it without warning] Danny: How'd you know someone was in there? Jack Slater: There's always someone in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors. Vivaldi: What I'm saying is; Mr. Benedict can take you out as easy as cake. [Danny Madigan is watching the bad guys on the screen] Danny Madigan: You are gonna pay... Oooh, you gonna pay! [Frank's last words] Frank: I'm out of here... [When danny comes home with Jack at 4 a.m.] Danny's mom: Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there. Danny: Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh. Danny's mom: " Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?!" Will you get in here?! Danny: Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well. Jack Slater: Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger. Jack Slater: Who the hell are you? Danny Madigan: Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan. I'm a kid. Danny Madigan: OK, I got one. What about this girl right here. She is way too attractive to be working in a video store. Jack Slater: I agree with you. I think she should be working with us ... under cover of course... Danny Madigan: You think you are funny, don't you? Jack Slater: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger. Danny Madigan: Schwarzenegger! Jack Slater: Gesundheit. Jack Slater: Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please? Jack Slater: I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you? Danny Madigan: That's what you always say! Jack Slater: I do? Jack Slater: Kid! Who does the doctor treat? Danny Madigan: Patients? Jack Slater: Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing? Danny Madigan: Wearing thin? Jack Slater: Bingo! [Danny Madigan was just kissed by Whitney Slater] Danny Madigan: From now on it's all gonna be downhill... Whitney Slater: FREEZE! Lose the guns or I redecorate in brain-matter grey, got it? Danny Madigan: Chicken it is... Danny Madigan: ...I though I was going to die. Jack Slater: Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation ... and your first divorce. Jack Slater: And Whitney! Why can't she be like every other teenager. For prom night she stayed home and field stripped an AK-47. [Jack Slater realizes that a nerve gas bomb is hidden in Leo "the Fart"'s body] Jack Slater: Leo "the Fart" is gonna pass gas one more time. Vivaldi: Mr. Torelli. I hope it's alright with you I am here. I don't wanna be no fourth wheel... Vivaldi: You've had Slater in front of the eight ball before, but you always screwed it up. [The nervgasbomb goes of in the tar-pit] Jack Slater: Silent but deadly! Benedict: If God was a villain, he would have been me. [Jack Slater throws Benedict against a wall, and both Benedict and his servant disappears through it] Jack Slater: Usually when I do that it leaves a hole... Nick: There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, whores, politicians... Jack Slater: You already mentioned them. Nick: I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else. James Belushi: I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's... She is, you know... Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens. Frank: We mostly talk muzzle velocities. Guns. Benedict: Since you're about to die anyway, I might as well tell you the entire plot. Jack Slater: Here's another explosion for your movie, kid. Tony Vivaldi: What is this, Benedict?! First you're my friend; now you turn a... 360 on me! Benedict: 180, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin -- 180! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started! Tony Vivaldi: What? Benedict: Trust me! [shoots him] Jack Slater: You wanna be a farmer? Here´s a couple of acres! Jack Slater: Look! Elephant! Jack Slater: We're that close in catching him. Danny: No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia. Benedict: I wonder if you could help me? Mechanic: Sure, what do ya need?. Benedict: Well,..... [benedict shoots him. He listens for a while, then shouts] Benedict: I have just shot someone, I did it on purpose. [listens some more, still nothing] Benedict: I said, I have just killed a man and I wish to confess! [listens some more, someone tells him to shut up. He looks pleased] Jack Slater: I think the taxis are bulletproof. Dekker: And you promised me you wouldn't tell! Jack Slater: I didn't. Dekker: Well, then how did he know? Danny: "Jack Slater I". Dekker: What's winning got to do with this? Danny: No. The very first "Jack Slater". Dekker: [to Jack] You told your dad? Jack Slater: I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid! Dekker: Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us. [Playing "Chicken" riding a bike] Danny: This is gonna work. It's a movie, I'm a good guy. This has got to work! [Danny thinks again] Danny: I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!!! [After seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone] Danny: No. It's not possible! Jack Slater: What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever! Danny: But...that was you! YOU were in that movie! [A girl close-by hears them] Girl: [to Jack] You were in a movie? Jack Slater: Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together. John Practice: How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Jack Slater: By practice. John Practice! Jack Slater: Sir, are you a henchman? Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey. Benedict: Here, in this world, the bad guys can win! Death: I don't do fiction. Not my field. Danny Madigan: Where are the ordinary, everyday women?! They don't exist because this is a movie! Jack Slater: No, this is California. Jack Slater: Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the damn gun! Jack Slater: Let's say this is a movie. How many times have you heard someone say, "stay in the car," and the guy doesn't? What happens? Danny Madigan: He saves the day. Jack Slater: Or, gets killed!