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Van Wilder

Van Wilder: Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.

Van Wilder: But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.
Suicidal Freshman: I don't have a pen.
Van Wilder: Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.

[repeated line, after giving advice]
Van Wilder: Write that down.

Van Wilder: Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Van Wilder: The first day of spring semester. A time to say goodbye to the parents once again, and say hello to a few new student bodies.

Van Wilder: Don't be a fool, stay in school!

Van Wilder: What is wrong with people today?
Hutch: [taking a hit from a bong] It's the internet, it fries their brain cells.

Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.
Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.
Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school?
Assistant: For the better part of a decade.

Campus Cop: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to back away from Van's vehicle!

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Sweet Joesph, my son's a fairy.

Van Wilder: Take your clothes off.
Gwen: I'm not taking off my clothes.
Van Wilder: Well it is the naked mile run, everybody else is in their birthday suit.
[A hairy naked guy runs by.]
Van Wilder: Except that guy.

[After a stripper farts in their face.]
Van Wilder: Congratulations Taj, your first blow job!

Van Wilder: Don't be a fool and wrap you're tool.

Van Wilder: Crazy kids with their crazy VDs.

Hutch: I've got a plan. Let's go get fucked up.
Van Wilder: Sounds good.

Van Wilder: I know Ms. Pac-Man is special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.

Panos Patakos: Nobody even knows we're here.
Van Wilder: Au contraire, mon freres.

Van Wilder: I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's.

Van Wilder: Her name's Naomi. That's "I moan" backwards.

Richard: You're going to miss the biggest party of the year!
[Crickets chirp.]

Jeannie: This party so rocks, Richard!
Richard: This party sucks rectum, Jeannie!

Panos Patakos: How do you put a price on dignity?
Friend: How do you put a price on poonani?

Van Wilder: Whoa, trick or treat. What's going on?
Richard: This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party.
Van Wilder: Graphic.

Richard: Gwen, what are you doing here?
Van Wilder: You two know each other?
Richard: That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.

Van Wilder: You shouldn't take life to seriously. You'll never get out alive.

Van Wilder: if you're always thinking about the future, then you kinda forget about the present.

[to Gwen's Parents about Richard]
Van Wilder: He's here, who is running hell?

Kid: Van I Have a D..
Van Wilder: Blue.. Blue.. Brings out your eyes, kids got killer eyes, not unlike yourself. Anyone ever told you that before?

Van Wilder: Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK!
[under his breath]
Van Wilder: Not that you had to.

[To Gwen's parents about Richard]
Van Wilder: Well if he's here who's running hell?

Van Wilder: Well just take a look at this....ya...doodles...I attend class today just about stayed the whole time too!
Gwen: I'm glad you went to all your classes today.
Van Wilder: And a few that weren't mine, I stepped in the wrong room, liked what I heard...stayed.
Gwen: That's great!

Gwen: I'm doing a human interest piece.... on you.
Van Wilder: I'm flattered, I'd love for your piece to be on me.
[looks up at the ceiling and sighs]
Van Wilder: ... But sadly I don't do interviews, never have, never will. Do lunch though.

Richard: Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year?
Van Wilder: Actually, its lucky number seven.

Taj: [Jumps up] WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?
Hutch: In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light.
Taj: That's no bong... It's for my shlong.
[Hutch starts coughing and gagging]
Hutch: Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?
[Taj nods his head]
Hutch: Oh damn!

Gwen: Well I think it takes a lot more then the kind of underwear one wears to define them as a person.
[Van looks shocked]
Van Wilder: Like what!?!

Campus Cop: We've got a jumper!

[ink blot test]
Stoner Freshman: I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision...on himself though.

Van Wilder: Well, you haven't lived until you've shot-putted blitzed on Yeager!




	Home Jokes Film Quotes Boss Alert News Forum Links		Back to - Film Quotes - V Van Wilder Van Wilder: Are you stalking me? Because that would be super. Van Wilder: But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down. Suicidal Freshman: I don't have a pen. Van Wilder: Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you. [repeated line, after giving advice] Van Wilder: Write that down. Van Wilder: Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Van Wilder: The first day of spring semester. A time to say goodbye to the parents once again, and say hello to a few new student bodies. Van Wilder: Don't be a fool, stay in school! Van Wilder: What is wrong with people today? Hutch: [taking a hit from a bong] It's the internet, it fries their brain cells. Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant. Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk. Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder. Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school? Assistant: For the better part of a decade. Campus Cop: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to back away from Van's vehicle! Vance Wilder, Sr.: Sweet Joesph, my son's a fairy. Van Wilder: Take your clothes off. Gwen: I'm not taking off my clothes. Van Wilder: Well it is the naked mile run, everybody else is in their birthday suit. [A hairy naked guy runs by.] Van Wilder: Except that guy. [After a stripper farts in their face.] Van Wilder: Congratulations Taj, your first blow job! Van Wilder: Don't be a fool and wrap you're tool. Van Wilder: Crazy kids with their crazy VDs. Hutch: I've got a plan. Let's go get fucked up. Van Wilder: Sounds good. Van Wilder: I know Ms. Pac-Man is special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows. Panos Patakos: Nobody even knows we're here. Van Wilder: Au contraire, mon freres. Van Wilder: I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's. Van Wilder: Her name's Naomi. That's "I moan" backwards. Richard: You're going to miss the biggest party of the year! [Crickets chirp.] Jeannie: This party so rocks, Richard! Richard: This party sucks rectum, Jeannie! Panos Patakos: How do you put a price on dignity? Friend: How do you put a price on poonani? Van Wilder: Whoa, trick or treat. What's going on? Richard: This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party. Van Wilder: Graphic. Richard: Gwen, what are you doing here? Van Wilder: You two know each other? Richard: That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti. Van Wilder: You shouldn't take life to seriously. You'll never get out alive. Van Wilder: if you're always thinking about the future, then you kinda forget about the present. [to Gwen's Parents about Richard] Van Wilder: He's here, who is running hell? Kid: Van I Have a D.. Van Wilder: Blue.. Blue.. Brings out your eyes, kids got killer eyes, not unlike yourself. Anyone ever told you that before? Van Wilder: Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! [under his breath] Van Wilder: Not that you had to. [To Gwen's parents about Richard] Van Wilder: Well if he's here who's running hell? Van Wilder: Well just take a look at this....ya...doodles...I attend class today just about stayed the whole time too! Gwen: I'm glad you went to all your classes today. Van Wilder: And a few that weren't mine, I stepped in the wrong room, liked what I heard...stayed. Gwen: That's great! Gwen: I'm doing a human interest piece.... on you. Van Wilder: I'm flattered, I'd love for your piece to be on me. [looks up at the ceiling and sighs] Van Wilder: ... But sadly I don't do interviews, never have, never will. Do lunch though. Richard: Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year? Van Wilder: Actually, its lucky number seven. Taj: [Jumps up] WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT? Hutch: In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light. Taj: That's no bong... It's for my shlong. [Hutch starts coughing and gagging] Hutch: Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump? [Taj nods his head] Hutch: Oh damn! Gwen: Well I think it takes a lot more then the kind of underwear one wears to define them as a person. [Van looks shocked] Van Wilder: Like what!?! Campus Cop: We've got a jumper! [ink blot test] Stoner Freshman: I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision...on himself though. Van Wilder: Well, you haven't lived until you've shot-putted blitzed on Yeager!